Do I really have to say "smoking hot"?
It's just I'm 32, for God's sake.
What, they're sacking me?
You see, sack has negative connotations.
It's just they wanna try a new presenter.
So they are sacking me?
Well, no, they're taking the show in a different direction,
but it's a direction away from you.
Okay, so less you now.
Okay.
More you in your 20s.
Right. Right.
So, what's the good news?
Sorry?
Well, you said you had some bad news. What's the good news?
Every career has its ups and downs.
This is just a bloody great down.
And I sense a bit of disenchantment, Dexy.
Just a little concerned about my future.
It's not quite what I was expecting.
The future never is. That's what makes it so bloody exciting!
Everyone loves you, yeah?
But they love you in that ironic, love-to-hate kind of way.
Right? And all that we need to do
is just find someone that loves you for real.
Okay? Yeah.
I love you, Sylvie.
No, no, wait. No, I'm in love with you.
Look, I've never said this to anyone before.
Well, that's a lie. Um...
I love you, Sylvie. I...
Sylvie tells me you used to be quite well known.
TV presenter or something.
I did. Yeah. Once upon a time.
Yes, on Larginit. That program. Do you remember, Mummy?
You used to really hate it.
Yes.
"Turn it off," she used to say.
"Turn it off. It's killing your brain cells."
That was you, was it?
You still work in television, Dexter?
Not so much, no. That sort of drifted away, really.
Uh-huh.
Dexter's just being modest. He gets lots of offers.
Anyway, what he really wants to do is produce.
(COUGHS)
Party games.
(ALL EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
Are you there, Moriarty?
Here.
Two for two, nice work, bro.
MRS. COPE: Going for a hat trick.
Are you there, Moriarty?
Here.
(ALL CHEERING)
The crowd goes wild!
There's my boy!
Better luck next time, son. Thank you.
Well, I'm still very proud of you.
Oh, isn't this fun?
Dexter, care to take me on? Oh, no.
That's a terrific idea.
Darling, are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
MR. COPE: Come on, chap. Pick up your weapon.
SYLVIE: Nice and tight, Mum.
All right? MR. COPE: All right.
DEXTER: Very good. MRS. COPE: We don't want you cheating.
Good luck. All right.
MURRAY: Come on, sis.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
All right, ready?
As ready as I'll...
Good God, man! What the hell do you think you're doing?
MURRAY: That table was from Italy. I'm so sorry.
I must have just caught her at a funny angle there.
You didn't even ask if she was there, Moriarty.
I know. I know. I'm so sorry. Look, I don't know what I was thinking.
Wanker!
Serves me right for not changing the locks.
Looking good, Ian.
You can get stuffed, Emma.
Is that from your act?
No, though I have got this new thing I've been working on.
(SIGHS) God.
I come on, and I say, "Here's a funny story. You'll like this."
Ian. "There's this guy,
"and he's going out with this girl, and he worships her,
"and they buy this flat together.
"And then he gets her an engagement ring, the lot.
"It turns out that she is still in love with her best friend."
Interesting theory, Ian, except I've not seen Dexter for ages.
No? That is not the reason.
Do you know how he found out about it? He read it in her poetry.
You bastard!
Give it back to me! "Our graduation night!
"The erotic intensity of the shared bed."
"That magic week in France." It's all here in blank verse.
If you ever, ever, come in here again I will call the police!
Call the bloody police! It's my flat, too!
Is it? I paid the mortgage!
You just sat around farting and watching the bloody Wrath of Khan!
You love The Wrath of Khan.
I hate The Wrath of Khan.
It's a good job we didn't get married.
I'm sorry about going through all your stuff.
I've just been a bit mad recently, that's all.
It's all right.
I miss you.
I know you do.
Like, right here.
Either that, or it's trapped wind. I'm not sure.
Either way, it'll pass.
It's good, by the way.
Not the poems. The poems are awful,
but the rest of the stuff, the stories. You're funny.
Proper funny.
Not like me. Ian.
No, I'm just saying that you should show them to someone,
because you're better than you know.
Oh!
So that's Emma Morley. We went to university together.
Did you sleep with her as well?
No.
What about the bride?
(SCOFFING) No. God, what is this?
It's just that every weekend we go to a wedding
with a coachload of people that you've slept with.
It's like a conference.
Okay. Come on.
You know you're the only one for me now. (SNICKERS)
You are. Come on, come here. Come here.
Hummus wraps. Organic smoothies.
Fair Trade coffees.
Crayfish. Dex, people go crazy for the little buggers.
I've got 12 branches already. Twelve more by the end of the year.
Well, you know, there's a rumor going around
that you're actually a multi millionaire.
Come on.
Well, define multi.
You should come and have lunch. We should talk.
What, are you offering me a job?
No, I'm just saying...
You are, aren't you? You're offering me a job.
Look, I haven't seen you on telly for a while.
I thought if you wanted a fresh start...
Callum, mate. Mate, mate, mate.
At university, you wore the same pair of jeans for...
What was it, four years?
Long time ago now, pal.
We're not students anymore.
Someone seems to be enjoying it.
Look, look over here.
CALLUM: Have you seen Emma Morley?
Right under our noses all this time. Eh?
Who knew?
(SINGING) I sit and wait
Does an angel
Contemplate my fate
Do they know
I tell you, the one discovery changed my life.
Crayfish.
I've got 12 branches already. Another 12 by the end of the year.
I was telling Dexter there's plenty of opportunities.
Darling, I'll be back in a bit.
Do you want some champagne?
It's not champagne. It's Spanish.
TILLY: When I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel that love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
Do you want to get out of here?
Yes, please.
ALL: And through it all She offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Today must be quite tough for you, having slept with the bride.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What? How do you know all these things?
Tilly told me all about it. Oh, did she?
The foot massage spun out of control.
I think you even used my olive oil.
Footprints halfway up the kitchen wall.
Well, that stuff's behind me now, so...
Really, what happened?
Sex in toilet cubicles lose its bittersweet charm?
Well, an orgy won't keep you warm at night, Emma.
An orgy won't look after you when you're old.
Well said.
Anyway, I screwed up my career.
And screwed up things with Mum.
That's not true.
And I screwed up my friendships.
And then Sylvie just came along.
And she sort of, well, saved me, really.
She's very beautiful.
Of course, she has absolutely no sense of humor.
Just as well. A sense of humor's overrated.
Goofing around all the time.
The only time Ian ever really made me laugh
was when he fell down the stairs.
Well, you know, Sylvie says she doesn't like to laugh.
Doesn't really like what it does to her face.
But you love her, right?
Yeah, I worship her.
I'm loving Colin instead
Oh, no, no. This way.
Where are we going?
Dex?
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
So, come on, then. You, huh?
Any romance?
Don't start, Dex.
What?
Your sympathy. I'm not lonely. I'm alone.
There, how'd that sound?
Yeah, yeah. I bought that.
It's true.
I've got a tiny advance to write this book.
Em!
Mmm-hmm.
Well, you know, I have something to tell you, too.
You're getting married.
Yeah.
So, you're pleased?
Of course I'm pleased, Dex. Fantastic news, really.
Scented? Your wedding invitations are scented.
Yeah, lavender.
No, Dex, it's money. They smell of money.
August 14th?
Yeah, I think that's what they call a shotgun wedding.
For 350.
With buffet.
(LAUGHS)
Do you know who the father is?
Stop it.
I'm kidding.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
A dad. I know.
Is that allowed? Will they let you?
It's incredible, isn't it?
You're going to be a wonderful father.
Do you really think so?
I don't doubt it for a minute.
I missed you, Dex.
Well, I missed you, too.
No more disappearing.
No, well, I won't if you won't.
Mmm? Mmm.
Dex?
We should go.
Absolutely, let's go.
(CRYING)
Come on, Jasmine. Come on.
You gonna stop crying?
(CAR ALARM WAILING)
How you getting on?
Good, mate. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not quite what I was expecting, but...
How do you mean?
Well, you see the words organic and homemade...
Yeah, I know. You imagined a couple of hippies
on a little farm somewhere, knitting their own muesli.
Nice idea, but this is business, Dex.
Yeah, well, I realize that. Here's your last two.
Listen, mate. You're only here to learn the ropes, okay?
Company policy. Everyone has to.
Callum, I'm enjoying it.
Honestly, I'm good.
There's plenty of formula left.
I've pureed the veggies, or you could mash a banana.
And what about Indian food? I can give her a curry, can't I?
No, no, no, Dexter. No.
Sylvie, I'm joking.
Oh, I see.
I keep missing those, don't I?
I'm sorry. It's just that I'm late.
I don't even know why I'm going.
I'm too old for hen nights. No, you're not.
That's my cab.
Right, come on, then.
I'll be back tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Be good. Try not to burn the house down.
I'll be fine. I'll be fine.
Goodbye, my sweetheart. Say goodbye to Mummy.
(FUSSING)
Oh, I know, honey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Have a good time.
(CRYING)
Oh! Come on. We'll be all right, won't we?
(SINGING WITH STEREO) Party started there's no end in sight
Everybody's moving to the rhythm that's inside
(CONTINUES CRYING)
It's a crazy world but tonight's the right situation
I am Spartacus.
No, I'm Spartacus.
I'm Spartacus.
Wahey! Let's have a big hand and give a round of applause...
Look, Jas. Look, that's Daddy's ex.
...for basketball stars TJ and Mickey D!
Isn't she loud?
Can you even fit them in a two-shot? (LAUGHS)
They are so tall. I'm practically melting over here.
Isn't she a loud, loud girl?
(CRYING)
"Julie Criscoll, aged 15, wanted
"nothing more than to change the world.
"If only all the politicians would actually listen."
Yeah, well that's Em.
Is that Em? Yeah, that's Em. She wrote the book.
(PHONE RINGING)
Emma?
It's me.
I'm so sorry, darling.
Look, how's the party going? How's it all going?
Um...
We're all going on to some club. How is she?
Asleep. You know, finally.
She's been awake all this time?
Yeah, my fault. I should have given her the decaf.
See? There you go. I made you laugh.
Are you all right?
Yeah. No, no, I'm good. I'm good.
Why? Were you worried?
Oh, no. Um...
No reason. I just...
Well, I was just checking up on you and...
Well, everything's fine.
All right.
Look, Sylvie,
I know I'm not good at all this, you know, dad/husband thing.
You're doing fine, Dexter.
No, and I know if you had a receipt,
you would have taken me back a long time ago.
But, you know, I'm working on it, all right? So bear with me. That's all.
I've got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow. All right.
Night. Good night.
(GIRL LAUGHING)
(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING FRENCH ON PA)
(EXCUSING IN FRENCH)
Funny?
Very funny.
Well, look at you. You even look like a writer.
A writer in Paris.
There's a word for this, isn't there?
Uh, butch.
I was gonna say gamine.
What do you look like?
Me? A screwed-up divorc�.
So my apartment's not far. Shall we?
How long are you staying for?
I suppose it's up to you, really. It's just...
Look, I just wanted to say something
which I couldn't really do over the phone.
Well, ever since we were last together in London...
Dexter, before you say anything else, I have to...
There's something I have to tell you.
You've met someone!
Is that really so hard to believe?
A man? Yes, a man. A guy.
A guy! He's a guy now, is he? I see.
He's called Jean-Pierre, Jean-Pierre Dusollier.
What, he's French?
No, Dex, he's Welsh.
He's handsome. He's charming. He's just very, very French.
What, you mean rude?
No. Arrogant?
Smokes too much, wears a string of onions.
Why are you being like this?
Oh, God, you mean sexy. Is that what you mean? You're having lots of sex?
Since when do I need to ask your permission?
God knows you never asked mine.
But we just slept together.
I haven't forgotten.
Dexter, we got a bit drunk.
Yeah, not that drunk.
You took your trousers off over your shoes.
No, I didn't.
Did I?
I think that you were upset about Sylvie and the divorce,
and you needed a shoulder to cry on.
Or sleep with.
And that's what I was, a shoulder to sleep with.
And that's why you did it, was it? To cheer me up.
Well, it worked, didn't it?
If you must know, it was one of the better nights of my life.
See?
Don't fish.
Dex, it was one time.
Well, it was three times.
(LAUGHS) Come on. Look, you don't think it's a good idea?
You and me.
I do. I did.
In the late '80s.
Right.
Better get going.
Why? What are we doing?
Jean-Pierre wants to meet you.
Oh, you're kidding.
We're going to hear him play.
Play?
He's a jazz musician.
Bastard.
We're going to listen to him play free jazz on the piano for about nine hours,
and it's going to be lots of fun and in no way awkward.
You're not going out like that, are you?
Just do me up.
That's Jean-Pierre.
Where?
Oh, God. You could have at least found someone a bit good-looking.
You know, Em, I'm sure he's a fine jazz pianist.
I just don't think I can do this.
Oh. Really?
Yeah, I'll just go and see a movie and go back to the apartment.
And then I think I'm going to get the first train back tomorrow.
You don't have to leave.
I think I do.
I'm sorry, Dex.
Hey, don't be.
Go on.
Salut. Hey.
(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)
(INAUDIBLE)
Wait! Dexter!
I thought I got rid of you.
If you muck me about, Dexter...
Em, I swear. I swear I won't.
Lead me on, or let me down, or go behind my back,
I will murder you.
I won't do that.
You swear?
Yeah, I swear. I swear.
DEXTER: I would like to thank everyone for coming to our wedding.
For what can only be described as a whirlwind romance.
Pause for laughter.
(LAUGHS DRYLY)
Seriously, when people ask how Emma and I first met,
I tell them that we grew up together.
Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
You're not going to say, "Blah, blah, blah," on the day, are you?
You are not supposed to be hearing this.
What if I have notes?
Come on, let me see.
No, no. (LAUGHING)
When we're married, you're going to have to obey me.
Yeah, I'm sure that's going to happen.
What? Not again?
You don't mind, do you?
No, I don't mind.
Although, there are health and safety issues.
I could lose my license.
They'll wonder where we've got to.
(OBJECTING)
Mmm! Mmm.
I can definitely smell burning.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
(GRUMBLES)
Hello, hello.
Hi, there.
Come here, you. Here we go.
Do you want to give me a big kiss? Give me a big kiss.
Go on.
TV between 5:30 and 6:00, but no more.
And she has to be in bed by 7:30.
All right, do you want to run inside?
Go see Emma. Good girl.
EMMA: I'm out here, Jasmine.
She's loving coming here at the moment.
Well, good. That's great.
I'm really pleased for you.
Look, I'd invite you in. It's just...
No, it's fine. We've got to go and see my family.
Have fun. Thanks.
In you get, Moriarty.
Dexter? Yeah.
I've been thinking.
So have I.
I want a child with the man I love.
And if he won't do it, then I want one with you.
Well, then, we'd better get started.
I look so tired.
So take some exercise. Come swimming with me later.
No, no, I can't. I've got to do too much at the cafe.
Fine. Don't.
By the way, in case you're interested, I'm not pregnant.
Em, how do you know?
How do you think?
We could try again, though.
Come on, look... No, no, no, no. Come on.
Look, I'm sorry. All right?
No, I am for taking it out on you.
We're not at our best today, are we?
Listen, why don't we meet each other after work?
We'll go to the movies. Your choice.
Something with subtitles.
Ooh.
And we can go and have some dinner. Just you and me,
and we can work this out. All right?
I promise. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
Hey, there. Just to say I'm running late, but I'm on my way.
I'm sorry for being so snappy this morning.
Hey, there. Just to say I'm running late, but I'm on my way.
And I'm sorry for being so snappy this morning.
I just wanted to say you're a fine thing, Dexter Mayhew.
I love you very much.
Okay, there you go. Lucky you!
(MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Dad.
(DOOR OPENING)
SYLVIE: Dexter? Hello, darling.
SYLVIE: Jasmine!
(MOANING)
Are you all right? Go and get dressed.
Sylvie, Sylvie. Dexter?
Sylvie, Sylvie, I screwed up.
Jasmine, now!
(SOBBING) I screwed up.
It's all right. You're all right.
No, I screwed up.
Come on, let's get you up. Come on.
I'm so sorry.
It's all right.
Aw, Dex, come on.
You poor thing.
Oh, God. Dexter.
REPORTER: As the rain came down, the water levels began to rise.
So is this going to be an annual festival, do you think?
Every year, 15th of July?
Well, I hope not.
I don't want a heart-to-heart.
Do you?
No, no. I'd rather not.
Except to say, that I think the best thing that you could do
would be to try to live your life as if Emma was still here.
Don't you?
I don't know if I can.
Of course you can.
What do you think I've been doing for the past 10 years?
Now Silent Witness is on. 9:00.
Right.
(DOOR CHIMING)
Ian. God!
Dexter.
Hi. Hello, mate.
Are you well? Yeah, look at this.
So, how are you? How's the stand-up comedy?
Oh, well, I gave that up, actually.
That's a shame.
No, not really, because I was never any good.
The only time I ever made Emma laugh
was when I fell down the stairs. Really.
No, I'm in insurance now.
Great, great.
I hate today. Fifteenth of July.
Saint Swithin's Day.
It's a tough one.
I never noticed it before, but it was always there just waiting, lurking.
I used to hate you, too.
Quite violently, actually, Dexter. No, I'm sorry, but...
Because, she lit up with you.
Just in a way that she never would with me,
and it used to make me so angry because...
I didn't think that you deserved her. Can I say this?
Yeah, go on.
She made you decent.
And then in return, you made her so happy.
So happy.
And I will always be grateful to you for that.
And on that bombshell, (LAUGHS) back to the sticks.
There's my lot out there. Oh! Look at them.
Yeah, I know.
So, listen, we'll stay in touch. I'll give you a call.
No, I don't think that's necessary. I think we're done here.
Come here.
Good luck, mate. All right?
You, too.
Thank you.
You've got cake everywhere.
EMMA: (SOFTLY) Wake up.
Wake up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's all right. Don't panic. It's only me.
Emma. Emma Morley.
Yes. Hello.
So what do you suggest we do?
We could stay in touch.
Today. We're meant to be doing something today.
Right. Right, right.
Look, today's a bit tricky for me, really.
No, no, it's not that. It's just...
Well, I'm meeting my parents, and then I've got to get back...
Oh, yeah, yeah, you should probably go then.
It was lovely to meet you. Bye, now.
Look, that's not until later, so if you wanted to,
we could go for a walk or something?
Okay.
Come on, keep up.
It's these shoes. I can't mountain climb in brogues.
It's not K2. It's just a big hill, all right? A child could do it.
I don't want you thinking I'm bothered or anything about last night.
I don't want your phone number, or letters, or postcards.
I don't want to get married to you.
Definitely don't want to have your babies.
Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today.
And if we should bump into each other sometime in the future,
well, that's fine, too.
We'll be friends.
Yeah, right.
Or, you know, on the other hand...
Go on.
Well, my parents don't arrive until later.
So?
So, well, the flat's empty.
You know, if you wanted to finish what we started.
What? Sober?
Mmm-hmm.
And in daylight.
Race you!
(DEXTER EXCLAIMING)
Do you want a piggy-back, you old man?
It's these shoes. There's no blooming grip on these things.
Here, come here, you.
(GIGGLING)
Did you come up here with Emma?
Yeah, once.
That was a long time ago now.
Do you miss her?
Well, of course, I do.
She was... She was my best friend.
Who's your best friend now then?
Well, you are, of course. Come here.
Why, who's yours?
I think it's probably Mum.
Yeah.
I'm not so terrible though, am I?
I'm not answering that.
You know what you are.
It's just round the corner. This way.
Oh, Dexter!
Damn it, they're early.
You're early.
We thought we'd surprise you.
Clearly, we have.
Mum, Dad, this is Emma Morley. Morley.
Hello. Pleased to meet you.
Emma, you'll join us for tea, yes?
No, no, thanks. I should leave you to it.
Are you going to go? Yeah. Well,
pleasure to meet you and...
Well, have a nice life.
Okay.
I'm sorry. Did we just interrupt something?
No, no. Emma's just a good friend.
Weren't you wearing this yesterday?
STEVEN: The rascal.
DEXTER: Emma! Em!
Em, wait! Wait, wait.
Look, I need your phone number.
My number? Right. Of course.
Look, I'm so sorry about all of that.
I wasn't expecting them until after we... Well, you know.
Right.
This is me in Edinburgh.
Right.
My parents' number
and their address just in case.
Right.
Oh. Dad's got a fax machine at work.
Just the phone number's fine.
Thank you.
Look, I've got to go.
I know.
But we will see each other again.
I know we will.
Goodbye, Dex.
Goodbye.